


Not In My Right Head

by Mashaapje



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:14:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24623773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mashaapje/pseuds/Mashaapje
Summary: Episode AU 4x09. I didn't like how Clay's 'friends' reacted when he told them about his mental issues. The didn't care, they only cared about maybe getting caught because of Clay's actions. So this is a rewrite of that scene. Clay get's a panic attack and they comfort him. Oneshot
Comments: 13
Kudos: 85





	Not In My Right Head

"Jesus Christ Clay… You're gonna destroy us," Jessica said. The entire group, minus Zach, sat on chairs and beds in Clay's and Justin's room. Clay sat on his bed alone, hunched forward, with his elbows on his knees. He looked tired and out of his depth. He had told them the truth and now everyone stared at him, in what felt like disgust.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't in my right head for a long time," he answered. He sounded so small. He was shaking a little bit. Telling them this hadn't been easy. Jessica didn't take notice. She was to preoccupied with the consequences it could have for them, than with Clay's state of mind.

"Foundry is interviewing every single person. He's gonna find out why Clay's been doing all that shit," she said. She sounded annoyed, but Clay could also hear a hint of anger in her voice. He closed his eyes for a second and sighed. She was angry with him of course. They must all be. He wanted to crawl under the blankets of his bed and disappear into his mattress. He shouldn't have told them. He was stupid to think they wouldn't hate him now.

"So what," Tyler said "So they interview us all one by one. We just lie. I mean we all know how to do that. I got pretty good at it."

"Might not be the answer, speaking from experience," Ani interjected. That was true. More lies upon the lies wouldn't help make matters better. It was already difficult to keep track. It was exhausting.

"They talked to Diego today," Jessica said, as if to say that if he spilled the beans, lying wouldn't solve anything anyway.

"You have Diego handled, right," Justin said sarcastically. Jessica gave him a foul look. Clay looked at them both. Shit. He could feel the air of the room thicken with Justin's jealousy. He had to say something before Jessica fired a remark back and the two of them got into an argument. A Jessica and Justin fight wouldn't solve anything now.

"Here's the thing," He said quickly, looking around the room now. "Diego is on to us. So is Estella. So is Winston. Foundry heard the tape and is interrogating the whole school, starting with Diego, and who knows what he said." Yep, it sure looked hopeless for them, he thought. They could all be busted already and if he hadn't been crazy Clay, it wouldn't have come this far. It was all his doing really. He felt a pit in his stomach and he wasn't sure if he needed to hurl or not. His stomach was twisting with feelings of guilt.

"They're only doing this because of the parents," Charlie said. "My dad told me all the boosters have been calling him. They asked for an investigation and the school caved."  
"So we are dead," Clay confirmed. He looked at his hands now, "We are dead and it's my fault." He noticed his hands were shaking. He folded them in his lap to try to hide it.

"What if we got our parents back on our side?" Charlie thought out loud. An idea was forming in his head. They needed their parents back on their side to fight their fight for them.

"But they have like computer stats on how much we lie to them," Jessica said. She was sceptical. "How do we get them to trust us now?"

"Tell them the truth," Charlie answered. Ani snickered and the rest of the room looked at Charlie as if he had gone mental. Clay was still staring at his hands. He couldn't get them to stop shaking. All he had wanted to do was help everyone and now he would be everyone's downfall. He couldn't control himself. He was never in control. Not even now. His hands weren't listening. "I mean you don't tell them all the truth. You never tell them everything but you just.. You tell them enough. Enough that's true to make them trust us again."

How could he tell his parents the truth, Clay thought. He had told his friends the truth and look where that had gotten him. The could barely look at him. They couldn't even speak of it. Glossed over him like he and his mental issues hadn't been important. As if he wasn't important for them anymore. How could he be, after his betrayal of their trust. Chances that they were going to get busted was high and it was Clay's doing. Because he couldn't keep it together.

"Were in a war here," Clay said. It felt like one at least. A never ending war. One he couldn't stop. He noticed that now not only his hands were shaking, but also his entire body. Something he also couldn't stop. He tried to will his body to obey, but his body didn't listen. He started to panic a little bit. He was losing the tiny bit of control he had, in front of them this time. Stop shaking Clay, he thought. Please stop shaking.

"Yeah and were losing. We get them back on our side we might have a chance," Charlie said.

"And what truth do I tell them?" Clay asked, surprising himself. Maybe he should shut up,he thought, but he felt like he couldn't. There was a hint of anger in his voice and he felt it grow, overtaking the panic for a moment, and his anger needed to say these things. "That I've been vandalising the school with graffiti, smashed the camera's, terrorised my classmates at camp and set a car on fire! How does any of that help with getting prom back on track? I would be grounded for life!" His voice got a little louder and more frantic. "And.. And if I tell them I don't remember doing any of it… If I tell them I also drove myself and Zach of the road and left him to die and-"  
"I'm sorry what?" Alex almost shouted. "You did what?" The entire group looked at him in shock. Clay mistook the terror and shock in their faces for disgust and it send him over the edge.  
"I don't remember it! I DON'T remember it!" Clay took his shaking hands out of his lap and put them on the sides of his head, pushing so hard, as if he wanted to push his brains out. He didn't know why he was doing it, but his head felt like it was going to burst if he didn't. "They will send me back!" The memory of being hauled away on a gurney after the police had knocked him out, send shivers through his entire body. He could still feel the restraints on his wrists. I can't go back, I won't. I never want to be strapped on a gurney again. Just staring at the ceiling. That one light flickering over and over." He could still remember the hustle and bustle around him, but not being able to really see what was happening. Unknown faces hovering over him with clipboards, touching him, shining a light in his eyes, adjusting the straps, mumbling with each other before he could hear their footsteps walking away. "I can't go back. I can't tell them." His entire body was shaking violently now and he started to not only push his head, but hit it. "I can't go back!" He was fully panicking now, lost in his memories of that day. Justin had been lying down on his bed during the entire conversation but jumped up and quickly ran to Clay. He kneeled in front if him, took his wrists and guided his hands away from his head.

"Clay, stop. Calm down."

"Let go of me," Clay shrieked, surprised by suddenly being touched. He tried to get his wrists loose from Justin's grip, not really realizing he was there to help. "Let go. Let go. Please. Let go!" It felt like his wrists were strapped down again.

"He, Clay, he calm down. It's me. I will let go, if you don't hurt yourself, if you calm down. Just calm down Clay." Clay heard the words, but couldn't comprehend the meaning anymore. The only thing he could focus on was that someone was holding his wrists with force and he wanted them to let go. His head was spinning and everything was blurry. It felt like he couldn't breathe. His heart was pounding. He needed to get out of here. He tried to move away from Justin, over the bed. Justin tried to keep him in place by pulling his wrists, but Clay was stronger than he looked and Justin slowly lost his grip. However, before Clay could completely scoot away over the bed, he hit something with his back, blocking him from getting away from Justin. Before he even realized what was happening, strong arms surrounded him, locking him completely into place. A new panic surge hit him. He tried to struggle out of it, but the man behind him was crazy strong and Justin who had let go of his wrists, since Clay's arms were locked into place now, held his legs down by putting his weight on it. He couldn't move an inch. He started shouting again for them to let him go.

"It's ok Clay," the voice was so close to Clay's ear, Clay couldn't miss that it was Toný voice. "Clay, pease stop." Clay listened and stopped. It was Tony who was holding him. His initial panic waned a bit. "That's it. That's better Clay." The arms locking him in and the breath in his neck didn't feel so scary anymore. It was Tony. Tony was here and so was Justin, who still pushed his legs down, but it didn't feel that threatening anymore.

"Tony?" Clay asked. He still struggled a bit against Toný's hold on him, but it was without any actual force behind it. A few last tries of a confused boy who didn't really know how he had gotten himself in this situation, why he had panicked and why he had fought.

"Yeah Clay?"

"Why are you holding me?" The question was so sincere.  
"You were a little panicked Clay," he answered. Tony saw that Clay almost got away from Justin. In his panicked state he needed to stay put where he was. He had crawled up behind him on the bed to block Clay from getting away.

"I still am, I think," Clay answered honestly. He shivered. Justin had stopped pushing Clay's legs down. Clay had stopped struggling completely. Most of his body had gone slack. Tony was keeping him upright. Justin stood up and went to sit down next to Clay on the bed. He took one of Clay's hands in his own. An action that now felt natural to do.

"Panic all you want. We're here."

He didn't feel like panicking anymore, but he was still unsure of what had happened and what was happening now. "You don't hate me?" Clay asked. He sounded like a little child. Justin snickered.

"Of course not, you idiot. I don't. We all don't. Right guys?" Clay hadn't noticed that everyone had gathered around him in a half circle. He looked up to them and only saw faces drawn in concern. Concern for him it seemed. He didn't get it. He clearly wasn't right in the head, as he had told them, yet they all hovered around him.

Jessica smiled a weak smile. "Right," she said, and placed a hand on Clay's shoulder. "I'm sorry, Clay. We weren't there for you, but we are now."

"But I'm fucked up," Clay said.

"No matter how fucked up it gets," Alex said and patted Clay on the head, awkwardly, but it was meant well.

"We're here," Charlie added and took Alex's hand away from Clay's head while whispering to him "Stop patting him like a dog."

"Like you are always there for us," Tyler finished.

By now all fight and panic had left Clay, and almost all worry. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm sorry I panicked."

"That's fine," Tony said. "It made us remember to be there for you."

"So I guess it was a good thing," Justin smiled. Clay couldn't smile back. He was so tired. Toný's grip on him had loosened and didn't feel like a grip anymore, but more like a comforting hold. Tears started to fall down. He tried to stop it, but like before, he couldn't stop it. He had no control. He started to shake again. Justin leaned forward and took him into an embrace without any hesitation. Clay buried his head into his shoulder and started sobbing uncontrollably. Justin placed a hand on the back of his head, running his fingers through his hair soothingly. He felt a little uncomfortable doing so. He had never comforted a man like this. He had never had a guy cry into his shoulder. Girls, sure, but guys, no. Yet, it didn't feel all bad. It was Clay and if this was what Clay needed, he would gladly give it. But it didn't help that everyone was staring at them. The three of them on a bed, Tony holding Clay from behind, Justin hugging him from the front. It was a weird scene to be sure. Charlie must have felt his uncomfortableness, because he tapped everyone on the shoulder and gestured the group away from them. "We'll be outside," he said and Justin nodded. They all left, except Tony and Justin.

The crying boy was softly locked in between them. It went on for a while, but slowly Clay's sobbing started to become softer and in the end they stopped. There was no noise except his breathing and sometimes a wet sniffle. Clay's body had finally relaxed but he still held a grip on Justin though. He didn't seem like he was ready to let go. "You ok Clay?" Justin asked him.

"I'm just so tired," he answered, almost whispering his words. "So tired of everything."

"I know. I know. Us too."

"Just tired." Clay mumbled again.

"Then sleep," Tony said, trying to be helpful.

"Can't," Clay answered. Justin felt Clay's body tense up again. "Nightm'res."

"What if we stay?" Justin asked. "Go sleep and we'll stay. I'll wake you when you get nightmares again."

"Will 'u?" His body relaxed again and he even released a bit of the back of Justin's T-shirt that he had been holding in his hands the entire time.

"Yes," Justin said. But no answer came from Clay. He did feel Clay relaxing even more. "Clay?"

It took a few seconds before Justin got a response… Sorta. "Uhuhh," mumbled Clay.  
"You good?" Justin asked.

Clay seemed to want to say something again, but neither Tony or Justin were sure what he mumbled into Justin's shoulder and it ended with a loud sigh.  
"I think he's half asleep already," Tony whispered.

"Yeah," Justin said. Clay was leaning against Justin quite comfortably. In the last few minutes Justin had felt Clay's body weight press on him more and more. He smiled. "I think so too." Justin put his hand on Clay's back and softly pressed him against him a little better. "Sleep now Clay," he said. Clay mumbled an answer, but after that he was gone.

They waited till his breathing became heavy and evened out, to make sure he was actually sleeping. When they were sure, Tony let go of him and slowly lifted himself from the bed. He walked to the other side, where Justin was still holding Clay, and helped Justin to lower a sleeping Clay from his embrace on to the bed. They removed his shoes and covered him with a blanket. When they were sure he hadn't woken up from these ministrations they went outside, where they found everyone still waiting. It was chilly outside, but the group had stayed regardless.  
"And?" Jessica asked.

"He's sleeping," Tony said. "He's ok for now."

"Yeah.. But we need to keep an eye on him more," Justin said. "We need to be there."

"Let's make a schedule? Like you guys did with me. I don't think he should be left alone," Tyler said. "I know at some point it was driving me crazy, but it did help a lot."

"I agree," Alex said. "He shouldn't be left alone now."

"I'll make the schedule," Jessica said.

"And I'll inform Zach, see if he wants to be included," Alex said."

"I don't think that's a good idea. Zach is hardly ever sober. We can tell him, but let's not put him on Clay duty for now," Charlie disagreed. Alex didn't like to admit it, but Charlie was right. Everyone else also agreed with that and that was that. A schedule was to be made. They would keep an eye on him. From there on they discussed how to handle their parents and they decided to go with Charlie's plan. Tell their parents parts of the truth, to get them to trust them again, and to enlist them to help them stop the investigation in the riot by asking for prom back.

When everyone left, Justin got back in the room and watched over Clay during the night. For the first time in months Clay slept peacefully. When he finally woke up in the morning he saw that Justin hadn't slept in his bed. Instead he sat in a chair right next to Clay's bed. He was knocked out cold and snoring. His head tilted backwards. Ouch, Clay thought, Justin was going to wake up with neck pain for sure. Yet Clay smiled. He felt a little better after last night. Everything was far from being ok and Clay was still messed up, but at least, from now on, his friends would be there for him. They would help him. Maybe this truth thing wasn't so bad after all.


End file.
